Should I or Shouldn't I...

Well this is the post I did not want to write since the day I decided to start a blog.  It isn't that I have more bad news or things have changed really.  It is the post where I actually decide to tell the truth and share a part of me I usually keep reserved for those chosen few.   Although most people would not think so I am a very private person when it comes to sharing my feelings.  So this blog entry has taken me 3 days of contemplating whether to write it or not but as I sit after a very long day of being ill I have decided to share.

OK- so first off, I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled on Monday.  Pain wasn't bad at all but recovering from the anesthesia set me back a lot longer then I would have thought.  I was very weak and tired for several days after the surgery.

Second-  I visited my Kidney Doctor on Thursday and he said I am at 15% now.  I really need to start dialysis to try and regain some of my health but I have decided to hold off until I meet with the transplant team and see what my odds are of getting a kidney first.  My Doctor also said I can stop all the medication except 4 pills- because at this point nothing is slowing it down- those were not the words I wanted to hear.

So what does this mean?  Well holding off on dialysis for a few months means I am going to be sick, very sick for the next few months.  To be honest I am already very sick but drag myself off the couch and get dressed to get the girls at school.  I sit on the floor shaking as I do my hair to take the girls to the park or out to dinner.  I sit on a chair in the kitchen each morning as I am too weak to stand while I make their lunches for school.  This morning I went into Jordan's room to get her dressed for school and collapsed on the floor and couldn't get up. 

Now I do have good days and good moments but I guess I need to share that I have bad moments also that I have not told anyone about except my very inner circle.  It is hard to describe how I feel on my bad days but imagine (if you drink) your worst hangover- the kind where you can't get out of bed without being shaky or weak.  That is how I feel most days when I wake up, but I try and push through it to give my girls a normal life and still enjoy the fresh air and love life.  It is just getting harder each day to provide this normal routine I like.

Another reason I am trying to hold off on dialysis is that the type I am doing does not always work for everyone and it is actually a difficult procedure to put a catheter into my stomach.  My Kidney Doctor said he isn't even sure if there is a good doctor in town he trusts.  So this comes with risks also, hence the reason I want to pursue transplant before dialysis.

On Feb. 17th I meet with UMC Tuscon Transplant Team in Henderson, they come to Vegas once a month which is nice because I am not ready to travel down to AZ.  I have a 20 page form to fill out this weekend and mail back to UMC Vegas and then I will receive a meeting with their transplant team.  I am very close to having all my questions answered it is just a matter of time and hanging on.

Today my wish might seem selfish but I just want to have a good day on the weekend- I want to go out for a beer on a weekend.  I have not been out on a Friday or Saturday night since Halloween and I just want to feel normal one night and have dinner or have a beer at a bar.  OK- for those that know the Halloween story I know I am asking for trouble but I won't be as crazy if I go out again!!!!   I was hoping tonight was the night I got to get dressed and do my hair and go out but I woke up sick as a dog and still at 10:30PM on a Friday Night I feel awful.   I hope tomorrow is a good day- I want to take the girls to our favorite park up by Red Rock and I want to go out to eat or out for a beer.  It just sucks I can't predict my schedule because my body dictates my days now.

Although I have not told my best friend- I was going to go to Minneapolis for a girls weekend before I started dialysis but at this point I can't guarantee I won't be sick so I am not traveling home for a girls weekend.  It wouldn't be much fun laying on the couch sick as I watch them drink wine and eat good food.

My life is about to go one of two ways in the next few months- I can find a match for my kidney and be healthy again by summer.  Back to taking trips to Cali and the beach, heading to Disney for a few days and having a normal life. OR I could have to go on the donor list and start dialysis which would mean not a lot of travel, 10 hours a night of a tube in my stomach and 2-3 years possibly of waiting for a kidney.  

I actually felt sorry for myself this week- not a common thing for my soul to feel.  I have been OK with being sick and handling everything but when my body is taking over my life I started to feel resentment.  Trying to find things to be happy about and love became more difficult this week.  I hope next week it is easier to love life and I am not looking for reasons.